[1:02 p.m.] - [2021-08-28]
When he has first approached me, I didn't think much of him. I agreed to a lunch date on a whim; why not? He was kind of cute. I liked that he waited until after our dance to ask me out. I found it very endearing how he stood next to me after, his arms folded, and "stealthily" reaching out his fingers to just barely graze against me.
It was at the lunch date that I was just… a goner. It was immediately intoxicating. We got along so well. I never wanted it to end. It seemed impossible that I wouldn't see him again after that weekend. Surely this couldn't be it.
And that feeling never truly went away.
I don't want to make this seem unique or special. I have felt this with other boyfriends. Once attached, it's hard to envision a life without them as a permanent fixture. Even after the breakup, and years of not speaking, I still feel some thread of connection and an expectation that I'll see them again. This was no different, except not only does he feel the same but he actually acts on it.
Though I feel that this is mainly due to him not having strong feelings for someone since we broke up years ago, and this dynamic will change once he does.
Anyway! What I initially wanted to share before digressing… The thing that I most treasured about this relationship was the personal pursuit of self betterment. We both hold an interest in becoming something more than we are today, and I felt that sharing in that journey made us better. We encouraged, validated, and challenged one another, without harsh judgment.
But then he put a great distance between us and that stopped. When he eventually reached out to me again, it was a misery. He was in a bad place and looking for a hit of dopamine. I felt used. He admitted to regressing, whereas I felt that I had continued on my path without him. And now I'm often frustrated with him.
I don't even think it's just that he regressed. I think I'm just seeing things more clearly, and this saddens me. I had never met another man who was as active at actually bettering himself, and not relying on bullshit, highly individualistic self-help methods prescribed by the likes of Eckhart Tolle and Jordan Peterson that seem to pump out selfish, self-important jackasses. And if he's still problematic in fundamental ways, then what hope could I have in the rest of them? Would I ever find anyone as compassionate and wise? He's the only one who has consistently made me reevaluate my perspective.
Or am I being too critical? Too self-inflated? Am I not still working on my own things?
recent entries:
gregory anton - 2021-10-23
it's the journey - 2021-08-28
give love a chance - 2021-06-22
you know it's not just you - 2018-01-25
moving on - 2017-08-09